Last year has been transformational in every sense of the word. I transitioned from maiden to mother and it has been both beautiful and horrible. Bitter and sweet. And now, 9 months later, I can look back with a clear mind and a heart bursting with love.
I would like to share with you a few lessons that my babygirl has taught me in her short and sweet life.
Today I feel superblessed to have Kara in my life (namend after Kara Thrace from Battlestar Galactica) but I do remember the moments of despair in the very beginning. When I felt that life was over, that I was doomed to a life without sleep and energy. I felt a deep sadness. The death of the maiden gave life to the mother so I had some grieving to do.
I’m happy to say that this grieving didn’t last too long. It took me a while to accept the mother fully, I started to refer to myself as “Mama” when Kara was about 4 months old. Yup, I’m funny like that, it was fine calling her my daughter but it was one step too far to call myself “Mama”. I’m totally cool with it now 🙂
Ok, onwards to the other insights my 9 months old guru has given me.
I’m strong eventhough I’m sleep deprived
The first night our little one was with us was the most trialing one I’ve experienced in my life. Because she cried, and cried, and cried. All night long. At one point my husband and I looked at each other with tears running down our cheeks. “Is this normal? If this is it we will not have more children. I just can’t…” Luckily we didn’t have many nights like this, but those blissfull nights with 8 plus hours of sleep were no more.
For someone who values a good night sleep like her weight in gold this has been a major shift. While it was hard at first, eventually life carried on with the same obligations and playdates as before. Sometimes I manage it through a days work with barely 4 hours of sleep and I do go for that coffeedate when I’m already 4 cups ahead. I’m still going and I’m not even tired all the time, I can do ANYTHING!
I still love getting dressed up and dressing up the little one. But that backfires sometimes when she’s overflowing with milk or the processed end product of that. When my lap gets warm and Kara’s cheeks turn red I know we can both go for a total outfit change. A bit embarrasing when you’re entertaining… But hilarious as well!
I have had my biggest smiles when I was feeding Kara her veggies and she sneezed or decided to start chatting. Sending her orange or green goo flying through the room or in my face. At first I was super bummed out, because I wanted to feed the kid without making a mess. That “cleaning the house 24/7 nesting stuff” business has worn off several months ago, so having to clean up after dindin is not my favorite. But that little dismay does not way up to the big smiles she gives me. Things get messy and I learned to smile about it 😀
What I want doesn’t matter anymore
Now this is where you probably go WTAF?! You are still a woman, not just a mother, what you want DOES matter! Well, let me elaborate. Although Kara is one of the brightest little larvea there is, she cannot tell time yet. So when she decides that 2:00 is a perfectly good time to get up and poopy the fact that my alarm goes off at 5:45 is not her issue. I used to get so stressed and frustrated about it that I didn’t relax at all during the remainder of the night. Silently screaming I WANT TO SLEEP does not help actually get you to sleep….
So from now on I just roll with it, I stay calm and try and relax when she’s done partying for half an hour. Morning will come anyway and I’d rather wake up somewhat chilll than in complete b*tch mode. Also plans have a tendancy to change last minute and going I WANT TO GO (X,Y,Z) doesn’t help when the hubby needs to chill out and the babe is grumpy. Then just make the best of it at home, cuddle up on the couch and go for that walk another time. It’s better for me to have an open approach about it and not fixate on the thing that I WANT, instead of that I just let it go and enjoy what is given to me.
Babe sleeping next to me for example. It won’t make me sleep but it sure is cute.